Part One: Theory Theorem

A conspiracy theory is more than just a suffocating awareness of inevitable doom: it is a state of mind. A perfect conspiracy theory is not unlike string theory--it connects, unifies and explains *everything*; however, the fundamental difference between a conspiracy theory and string theory is that a conspiracy theory rarely makes people get up and go to the refrigerator as soon as they realize it has nothing to do with the Guinness Book of World Records. This happens occasionally when the The Learning Channel outstrips the intellectual acuity of its target demographic. Alternatively, a carefully-constructed conspiracy theory can allow a person to feel as if "everything makes sense", even though it doesn't. In this way, it is like a catechism or a pop-tune, or a string of beads; it is this + that + that + this = I Shot the Sheriff + But I Did Not Do the Dairy Queen = Indiana Jones and the Temple of Runes. In fact, the very word "temple" and its various forms, is key to a well-rounded conspiracy theory: King Solomon's Temple, the Knights Templar, Shirley Temple and my tenth grade art teacher, Mr. Templeman, who always told me to "live first and ask questions later" just be sure to *ask* the freakin' questions before all the witnesses die.