Can you kick an uncontrollable 17-year-old out of the house?

Can You Kick An Uncontrollable 17 Year Old Out Of The House?

• YOU MEAN I'M NOT ALONE! I have a 15-year-old son. I don't know what to do? I am afraid he is going to get hurt from his gang involvement, or go to jail, that he wont graduate from High School, I am afraid that he will get involved with drugs and alcohol to fill a void in his life, I can tell he is unhappy and has a lot of animosity towards me. Sometimes I feel like there is something that he is holding on to and that he just hates me. I haven�t been a perfect mom, but I've tried and I know that my recent divorce from his stepfather crushed him, he tells people that I abused him when he was little, I never abused my son. I did spank him and his brother when they needed it (when they were little) but what's ironic is my other son was way worse when he was little and my oldest was a very good child. He hardly was every in a any trouble. He was such a good, loving little boy. We moved a lot when he was younger, I know that affected him. I have tried my best to make up for the mistakes I've made and have always taken good care of my kids. They had structure and rules and I tried to teach them right from wrong. I talked to them about not talking to strangers, not letting people touch you inappropriately, gangs and drugs and when appropriate I even talked to him about sex. I have to tried to be open and easy to talk to and I think that I am pretty strict compared to most parents. But really have tried to have a balance in our lives. I just don't know why he hates me so much and why he wants to choose a negative gang style life. Peer pressure? Could be. It's just gotten so out of hand. He isn't afraid of consequences, he is very disrespectful to all adults including myself. He is very challenging and isn't afraid to get physical with me. He talks back and just stays in his room, detached from associating with us, he isn't into sports and is very unmotivated to do just about anything. I know a lot of it is his age, but some of the characteristics are alarming and I feel need to be taken seriously. I don't want to be one of those parents who say 'not my child' or 'it's just a phase.' It's serious and I am at my wits end. I did recently take hold of the reigns and I set forth a really strict Black and White set of rules. There will be serious consequences if he breaks them and I have taken away all his clothes, (gang looking) and his radio, TV, bedroom door, video games, phone, free time with friends; everything he loves and am telling him he needs to earn them back as well as our trust and respect. I am taking the stance that this is MY house and as long as he lives in it he NEEDS to follow my rules. I am not bending on this at all. I gave him a copy of the rules and had a long talk about it last night. I don't know what's going to happen, in the past 2 weeks he has been held for detention two days in a row and suspended twice. It's as if he doesn't care at all. I've called the police twice, once because he took off and didn't come home until 4 AM; he got cited for being out past curfew. I also called the police when he challenged me and wouldn't do what I was telling him to do. He hates police. I don't know why he is like that? I have always had a really strong admiration for our law enforcement. I don't know where that comes from or how to get in his head. I just don't know what to do. We have other children in the home and are trying to set good examples. This is affecting all of us and because he shares a room with his 13-year-old brother, it really concerns me. What program do you think my son needs to be in? I have no idea. I was thinking Boarding school? I don't think a boot camp would work with him, I think it would make him worse. I've tried to get him on probation, but until he actually breaks a law there is nothing the legal system can do for me. I wish I knew what the driving force of all his negative energy is stemming from. Whatever it is we need to talk about it and see if we can all heal from all of this. I have tried counseling, but he hasn't found a counselor that he likes or opens up to and when I do look into one and try and make an appointment it's always 2-3 months ahead, but he needs help now. Also his dad is not willing to take him; he says that he doesn't welcome the gang stuff in his home, he also has small children in his home and is dealing with drug addicted 16 year old. It's frustrating. I have a brother who is willing to take him, but by brother smokes pot all the time and I don't think he would be a great influence on my son. Plus I don't feel comfortable just dumping him off on other family members. I want to get him help and see if we can make his life better. Please help me! These are the traits that my son is displaying: Blatant disregard for rules .. Never at Fault .. Uncontrollable Anger .. Hanging with bad crowd .. Runs away .. Lack of Motivation .. Attention deficit Disorder .. I hate you attitude .. You can't make me attitude .. School suspension .. Bad grades .. Fighting .. Gang involvement. Does anyone have any suggestions for me?

• The legal age of majority in all but four states is 18. When a person reaches the state's age of legal majority, parents are no longer financially or legally responsible for them. In which case parents wanting their adult child to move from the family residence is well within their legal rights to take such action. If the person refuses to leave voluntarily the parents may if they so choose enlist the aid of their local police. States with higher ages of majority than 18-years are; Alabama and Nebraska 19, Mississippi and Pennsylvania 21. In these states parents can petition the court to be released from parental responsibilities if said child is at least 18-years of age.

• You should refer to your states penal codes; California's penal code is shown as an example below. As you can see, if you have a lawful excuse (including truancy, physically endangering others at home, or others) in California you can remove your minor child. You must present your case to a judge to make this legal; if the judge does not find your excuse lawful, that judge is obligated to force the parent/s to comply to the penal code. "CALIFORNIA CODES PENAL CODE SECTION 270-273.75 270.5. (a) Every parent who refuses, without lawful excuse, to accept his or her minor child into the parent's home, or, failing to do so, to provide alternative shelter, upon being requested to do so by a child protective agency and after being informed of the duty imposed by this statute to do so, is guilty of a misdemeanor and shall be punished by a fine of not more than five hundred dollars ($500). (b) For purposes of this section, "child protective agency" means a police or sheriff's department, a county probation department, or a county welfare department. (c) For purposes of this section, 'lawful excuse' shall include, but not be limited to, a reasonable fear that the minor child's presence in the home will endanger the safety of the parent or other persons residing in the home."

• No, you can't because they're underage. If you have custody of the child then you definitely can't kick them out. You can get in trouble. If I were you I would wait until she or he is 18. If you can't wait that long send her to live with another family member who you think would be able to control her. If you can't do that just call the cops on her and tell them she is out of control and you can't control her. They will or DYFS will give you some suggestions of what to do with her.

• No, try PARENTING them.

• I am writing this answer in response to the previous answer. "Try parenting" makes me mad. I have a 17 yo that is flexing her control to no end. We have been good parents, did everything possible to guide her, to teach her responsibility. Sometimes teens just go out of control. There are many outside forces that the parent is not there to guard against.

• Another option is emancipation. My cousin was emancipated at age 15. This makes them legally an adult although they are underage.

• As in some states and previous answers, you may be financially liable for their misdeeds, and/or care even if you kick them out. Check with your state law, most state laws are online. In Michigan it is under the Michigan compiled law site of the same name. Also "uncontrollable" is a reason to go to juvenile court and have the magistrate deal with the child. This usually happens after run ins with the law. You can be financially responsible, and or they may put them in day programs. I ran some of those day programs in the state as an intern.

• Talk to the law enforcement around your area. They might be able to get you child into one of the teen facilities around there to see what jail is really like and it might sway his or her opinion. That is honestly the only thing I can think of to help out. If that doesn't work then just allow them to set there own path and pray they end up down the right path. I know this isn't about me but I put my parents through absolute hell when I was 17 but I ended up joining the Marine Corps and ended up OK.

• You could always send them to military school. It's expensive but it did wonders on my 16 yr old brother. The whole "try parenting" this is bull. My 2 brothers and I were raised the exact same way, but we are totally different from the trouble child. He showed such disrespect to my parents. Called them horrible things that I would never utter to another human being let alone my parents. Military school straightened him out. He got good grades, acquired structure to his life, and learned respect that only the military can embed in someone. The whole idea came about by me joining the military. So maybe I'm biased.

• Hi, I can understand how frustrated you must be. The best thing to do is tell her in a non threatening way that she is not to worry because she will be turning legal age soon enough. But until then she is to follow her rules, and if not, then the mother shall put a "chins" on her and she will have a probation officer. She will have regular court proceedings, and follow ups with her PO. If she doesn't obey the judges orders she will be punished by the legal system. Please only do this if she is very bad: physically violent toward family members, smashes domestic items often in rage, getting in trouble with the law et cetera. If she is only expressing milder forms of very common frustration of transition anticipation, then try empathizing with her. Tell her of some similar moments in your life at your parents house. And add in how you felt at that time too. Tell her that you don't want her getting into trouble because you love her, and that she doesn't realize at her young age what terrible consequence could become.

• I was raised perfect. No joke. My father and mother were wonderful and my life was amazing growing up. I however went through a three year phase of horrible disrespect, drugs, violence and just plain outrage. This just goes to show that no matter how you raise your kids, things happen. They tried homes, therapy, discussions, everything they could think of for me. I was a straight A student to top it all off. My mother wanted to disown me at that point. She felt so hopeless and hurt that she backed away from me and literally had to find a way to block out her heart in order to deal. I had to hit bottom to get back up. You cannot force help on someone who doesn't want it. In situations like these, I believe getting the courts involved is good because then the parents can get help with enforcing the rules and at this point it is turned over to someone of higher grounds. Let the child get in trouble, DON'T bail them out, no matter what they say. Let them learn for themselves. Never give in, because it gives them a chance to do it all over again knowing they will be bailed out!

• My wife and I are considering this option for our seventeen year old Junior, four months away from being 18 years old. We have been to court twice now because of drug-related matters, and he continues to flout our rules about bringing drugs into the house. Do we want to kick him out? NO! He's our son. Plus, he most likely won't finish school if we do kick him out. But what is the alternative? Treat a near adult like a baby or treat him like a near adult? Either way, he will do whatever he wants. We've taken away his car, grounded him, he's spent a night in jail and still ... And, this "be a parent" nonsense. Obviously, this person is not a parent or they live in a state where wire-whipping your kids is still legal.

• I'm a 17 yr old that just recently was kicked out of my house because my mother didn't like the things i had to say, at times i would get disrespectful like the daughter in the above... BUT! my mother will not help me in any way, i am still in school and i don't have a job because i just recently moved back home from a juvenile facility (no i wasn't there for breaking laws i was there cuz my mom put me there) My mother collects a subsidy check for me because i am adopted and in the last 3 years i have only lived with her about a month and never saw any of that money! so in my case i think my mother deserved those rotten words and still does... because she left me on the streets to fend for myself... i barely eat and barely have anything to wash my butt with... mothers are supposed to take care of their children whether they like what they have to say or not!

• I know just what this last person is going through. I'm going through almost the same thing except my son has been in and out of juvenile programs (residential, boot camp, etc.) and just recently came home from doing over 2 months in regular jail because he was 17 and we live in Michigan so he was charged as an adult. Now my problem is, he's not necessarily doing anything illegal for me to call the police but he won't go to school (unless he feels like it) and relies completely on me to get him to work, cook for him, do his laundry, etc. When I get fed up and try to tell him it's not working out and he'll have to find somewhere else to live, he ignores me. He just won't leave. I don't know what my options are because i feel like unless I do something legal about it, he's just going to sponge off me -- free food, a warm bed, a roof over his head. I love my son dearly and only want the best for him, but this is not helping him at all. I wish I could send him to military school but that just is not possible. Any ideas out there? (And yes, I will cut off the "cooking, laundry service, chauffeur service", I'm just afraid that he will just vegetate in my house until it drives me crazy. He refuses to get any help for his past issues (he's adopted and has quite a background story, and yes we did try to get help when he was younger).

• You have to let the child know that this is YOUR home. He/she can live their lives any way they want to, but as long as they are living in YOUR home they will live by YOUR rules. If they can't live by the rules...they must find their own home. I had to ask my son to leave when he felt he could no longer live by the rules of the house. My rules are not hard...in before 9 on a work night, help around the house/yard when asked, and be a productive citizen. (either in school or at work). He stayed out past curfew, wasn't going to school and didn't have a job. He's learning the hard way, but at least he's learning. If you continue to give in, he/she will continue to take. All you will have raised is a lazy, disrespectful welfare recipient.

• I praise all of you for being so candid and the younger posters really gave us good ideas and also wised us up to what actually is going through a teenagers head at times. I know I'm going to get my butt kicked on this one, but, if you look through history the trouble started in the 1960s with "anything goes, peace and all that crap!" Parents started "I won't spank my child" and teamed it up with abuse if you did. I mean a spanking on the butt with no belts or objects to hurt the that child other than the sting from the spanking. A good spanking on the butt when younger is not going to make your child mentally challenged, and, in fact, more kids are out of control because the parents either feel guilty for both working, they have a tendency to over-indulge their kids and society as a whole has too many choices for them. I've heard many parents (especially moms) say they want to be their daughter's best friend. Whoa here! That comes later when your daughter is an adult and she is married with babes of her own or at least has had a taste of the world and has become a responsible adult out in society. Parents simply are going to butt heads with their teens once in awhile, or often depending on the teen. It has nothing to do with whether you've been a good parent or not. I live in British Columbia, Canada and this is what my sister-in-law did with her 13 year old who was way out of control and running the household. She was so frustrated she was going to swat him a good one and between slit eyes he said, "If you do I'll phone Child Welfare and report you." My sister-in-law had enough and also had another son (a good kid) to think of so she said, "Hey, I'll save you the time ... you don't live here anymore!" With that she picked up the phone and called Child Welfare and said 4 words "COME AND GET HIM!" Of course the person on the other end of the phone was flabbergasted to say the least and told her to calm down. My sister-in-law had been calm for far too many years and she said, "You set all the regulations of no spanking laws and you can't even touch your child, so you made the monster you deal with it!" Child Welfare backed right off and out came the spankings for this 13 year old. You think he was too old for that? Sit up and fly right, because it did the trick. SHE TOOK THE POWER AWAY FROM HIM by phone Child Welfare and it was made clear there was zero tolerance and had made a set of rules that were up on the fridge. It worked! Parents have to remember that it is their house, they put the roof over their children's heads and food in their stomachs not to mention love them through all sorts of difficulties. I have to stick up for some kids on the fact that parents should respect their children, listen a little more often to what their teens have to say, and come to common ground with them. It's all about respect for each other. On one hand parents tell their kids they are too young, yet yell at them to "grow up!" How confusing is that? For parents who allow their wild children to stay home and continue on with drugs, sleeping around, coming home at all hours of the morning, etc., you are enablers! Plain and simple! It isn't uncommon for parents and their teens to lock horns because the teens are starting to flex their muscles of independence even if some of what they are doing is wrong. I agree with the one young poster whose brother was put into the Military, but since the poster with the question can't do that, there are other groups that can help. The only way this is successful is "intervention" and put that child in an environment away from family entirely and let the experts take over. No matter how much your teen pleads to come home, bite your lip, count to ten and keep at it. Another good piece of advice from one of the posters is "emancipation" from your child. It's apparent from many posts on this site that kids are emancipating from their parents right, left and center, so why can't parents do this. They can! I have a zero tolerance level for abusive teens taking control over their parent(s) and some single parents need help. Sometimes the father wants nothing to do with it. We all only have one life to live and we either live it or die from it. By allowing your child to stay in your home abusing everything and disrupting the family unity (and making life miserable for any siblings) you are enabling this behavior and letting your child down because you are not practicing intervention methods.

• No. You must obtain a hearing in a juvenile domestic relations court and petition the court to put the child in shelter care.
  
  

• I don't know anything about the legal implications, and I don't know what you mean by "uncontrollable". But if there's someone living with you who is making your life hell, I'd think you have every right to tell them to get out, no matter who they are. But if it's not actually that serious, try not controlling them and see how that works out. Or talk to them about it, if you can. And by 'talk' I mean 'listen'. If all else fails, give them a few week's notice to find somewhere else to go, and hope they sort themselves out. You can't fix everything.
  

• There is special programs where hardened criminals (nothing to lose) have accepted the responsibility (with guards present) to give back something to society by scaring the wits out of these kids. It's several days (under guard of course.) I saw the program and some of these criminals are some tough characters and 99% of the kids were crying (even the most hardened ones.) The criminals are also allowed to accept calls from these teens if the teens find themselves in trouble or feel pressed into getting into trouble. I will do some research and see in what State this program is.

• I wonder why everyone here immediately jumps on the teenager because the parent calls him "uncontrollable". Yes, I accept that some teens do behave inappropriately, violently, disrespectfully, etc. However, by simply calling your child "uncontrollable" without offering any proof of misbehavior makes me think that you are an incapable -- and possibly abusive -- parent. As a teenager, I know several students (all ranked in the top 25 of a 500-strong graduating class) whose parents have threatened to disown them. As far as I know, they behave well in class, possess extremely creative minds, and would make very useful members of society. I agree with whoever said "try parenting". If your child is actually dysfunctional, I doubt he or she is more more mentally disturbed than yourself. Remember, most of a child's cognitive reflexes are shaped in the first 5 years of life...when the only person to interact with was YOU. Instead of focusing on kicking out your teenager, both of you should try to fix the problem. Have you (not the teen, YOU) tried counseling?

• I think it's quite evidence by the distraught mother asking the question that she has tried everything possible. Whether teens react well in school and get good grades does not mean they react well at home and no, it's not always the parents fault! Some teens float through they years without a ripple, while others have a more difficult time. I believe the young man who posted saying he had a great life being raised by his parents and then they had to put up with three years of his hellish ways said it in a nut shell! It sounds like the son of the person asking this question has a son on drugs! For a starter take your son to a doctor and have a blood test done to see if there are drugs in his system. His actions around the home and also out with his friends not to mention poor grades can be a good indication drugs are involved.

• I am a 16 yr old and I've been kicked out of my house twice in the past month my parents won't let me get my license and i work and go to school and i always have to rely on them to get me to and from work and sometimes to school. I went to driving school for about a month then they made me drop out of it because they didn't want me to start driving, I use to be an A B student but my grades have dropped to C's and D's but I have recently felt like i had no freedom in my house at all and it made me rebel and now everyone in the family is in turmoil because of me. My parents are very strict, i go to school from 7am to 2pm i get home at 2:30pm and then i have to work 3pm to 6pm then when i get home i have dinner and then do my homework and then go to bed thats my whole weekday schedule and it never changes then i ask my parents if i can go to the movies on like a saturday night or hang out with friends they instantly say no, I feel like my life is too controlled i have no excitment its all boring and I've been yerning for some excitment but they won't let me do anything all i want to do is have some fun but i can't get them to let me do anything so recently ive gone out without their permission they restrict me of getting in the car with any teenager but latly ive been just getting in the car with people from my school acting crazy, being disrespectful to my parents, and skipping out on curfew. I have held a grudge towards my parents for not letting me get my license so that motivates my craziness they have kicked me out and are making me live with my grandparents because they can't handle me but just a word of advice to parents let your kids have some fun have rules but not crazy ones when our lives are controlled and all scheduled out we have no fun and the only way to get that rush of excitment is to go crazy break every rule you have set and just get the happiness and excitment that is craved I don't know when my parents will realize that i need fun in my life but until they let me have fun im going to continue to rebel.

First answer by ID1101325058. Last edit by Bdboy509. Contributor trust: 0 [recommend contributor]. Question popularity: 150 [recommend question]